Crackout Blackout

Please enjoy my favorite Drunk History for the computer Drunk History Vol. 3. It stars Jen Kirkman and her hiccups.

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This is Beer Can Chicken. Yes, it is exactly how it sounds. And looks. Delish, right? It’s a beer can shoved up the nether regions of a chicken carcass. YUM. Here’s what to do:

1. You want to cut the top of the can off the beer can. This maximizes the flow of moisture from the beer to the bird. Most any can opener can be used to cut the top off a beer can. Works great. You will need to get rid of half the beer from the can some how. I leave that up to you. Next add 1/2 cup of your spice rub to the can and give it a quick stir. The can is now ready.

2. Take the other half of your spice rub and apply it to the chicken. Don’t worry too much about getting it on the skin. Skin won’t let flavor reach the meat so you need to work your spice rub in, under the skin as much as possible. Get it inside the chicken as well.

3. Place the beer can on the grill right where you want the bird to be.

4. Put the chicken onto it’s throne.

5. And as Mortal Kombat would say: FINISH HIM.

via the world’s best ever and about.com

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I went to a friends housewarming party one night. I had about 5 jello shots and two margaritas when I found a piñata shaped like a dog in their garage. I decided to take it for a walk outside. I was staggering down the street dragging my fake dog when I happened upon another drunk carrying a full sheet cake he had stolen from his party. He saw my piñata and we struck up a conversation. For some reason we decided to stuff the cake piece by piece into the piñata. We snuck into an open garage and stole a mop. Then we hung the piñata from a tree and beat it until we were covered in frosting. One of my friends found us asleep under the tree the next morning with dried frosting all over us. To this day, I can’t eat cake.

- Submitted by Drunken Debbie

Image via Flickr compton_830

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(949):

My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little “confusion”. Obviously astrology understands a blackout.

Textsfromlastnight.com is a great database for all those cracking out and blacking out. However, with this latest text it brought up some good questions. What does a crackoutblackout symbolize in a dream? What sort of enlightenment can one glean from a dream during a crackoutblackout? Well, thankfully there are some answers. So next time you decide to get blackout drunk, just think of these three things:

1. Dreaming of drinking beer, wine, etc., in moderation, under happy circumstances—with friends, at a party, etc.—indicates that success lies ahead. However, in any dream of alcohol, there is always the underlying warning that excesses can lead to trouble.

2. If you dream of being drunk, then in some way you are at a disadvantage. Look to other symbols in the dream to judge where this disadvantage lies.

3. If in the dream, you are sober but someone else is drunk, that person, or someone like him or her, could cause trouble for you.

Basically, if you dream about drinking: something good or bad lies ahead. Drinking to excess in a dream means “take heed and proceed with caution”. Totally drunk in a dream? Oh gosh, you’re gonna pay. And lastly, if someone else is drunk…RUN.

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Derek Waters has been entertaining and educating the masses with his hilarious Drunk History videos for a couple years now.  If you haven’t seen it before, he gets someone drunk and has them talk about “an historic event” on camera. Then he films actors like Jack Black, Michael Cera and Zooey Deschanel reenacting the story exactly as it was told drunk. This sometimes includes hiccups. The clips are featured on Funny or Die and You Tube.

Funny or Die now has a show on HBO, Funny or Die Presents. It airs Friday nights at midnight. You can now watch Drunk History on the bigger screen! Bonus of Drunk History on TV? Better video quality and bigger stars. Will Ferrell stars in the first episode. You don’t even have to wait for the video to load! Jen Kirkman is featured in the first episode of Drunk History. She is hilarious so I am awarding her Wasted of the Week!

Here is a clip:

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Sure you’ve seen the viral Old Spice commercial by now, “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like.” If not? Get on it. It’s priceless. So in honor of great commercials, here is another one of my all time favs, “Boo Creepy Foot Doctor…Hooray Beer!”

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Here is another question from our Formspring page where you can ask anonymous questions or submit a funny drunk story anonymously. Today’s question involves a common moral dilemma for today’s attractive young woman at a bar. The guy you don’t like but buys you drinks!

Q: What’s the best way to get rid of a guy you have zero interest in at the bar? Especially when he keeps buying you drinks? Do you suck it up, play nice and allow him the occasional grope in exchange for free booze?

A: This is something you have to figure out for yourself, guy by guy. But here are some guidelines to help you decide.

• Free drinks are awesome, no doubt about that. But be careful if you are letting a guy buy you drinks. Especially if you don’t have any interest in him or get bad vibes. If you are letting a guy you’ve just met buy you drinks make sure you go to the bar with him and get the drink yourself so there is no opportunity for him to drug you. And if you get bad vibes steer clear. No need to hang around this guy even for free drinks. It’s best to stay on the safe side.
• Don’t take advantage. I think it is fine to let a guy buy you a drink as long as you take the time to talk to him and don’t disappear as soon as the drink is in your hand. Maybe you will end up liking him. You never know. And if he’s bought you two drinks and you don’t really don’t like him be polite and excuse yourself. Say it was nice talking to you but I have to find my friends, leave or whatever.
• You may decide that you don’t want to waste your time with someone you don’t like when there is the opportunity to find someone you do like who will buy you drinks. There might be someone else at the bar who could get along with this guy. It might be nice to allow someone else the opportunity to hang out with him and get to know him. Even if he is a douche bag.
• If it is someone you know who has always liked you but you do not feel the same way I would say no. Especially if they are drunk. It’s not really fair to lead them on and it will only complicate things.
• Sometimes a girl just needs a couple of drinks and a grope. Go for it! Even if it’s just for fun and you don’t like the guy you don’t have to take him home for the night or the rest of your life. Just be safe!

- Submitted by Drunken Debbie via formspring

Image via flickr TatianaGoldmannova

Filed under: I don't remember, beer, brandy, champagne, gin, jail, long island ice tea, mix it up, red wine, rum, sake, sangria, shots, tequila, vodka, whiskey, white wine by admin
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Case in point, Paris Hilton showcases her best primal war dance whilst promoting a brand of Brazilian beer on Valentine’s day.

Step 1: Start dancing (make sure to be wearing 5-inch heels).

Step 2: Stumble on stage and knock over a banquette table.

Step 3: Fall to the ground on your hands and knees and rest forehead on ground. Be sure to not spill beer!

That is how to stay classy on the holiest of days to be a lady and be taken out on the town. One can only imagine the debauchery she got herself into later that night…that perhaps we will have to wait until Paris posts her own crackout blackout story.

~via Gawker

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Do you have any questions for us or funny drunk stories to share? Want to do it anonymously? You can now submit questions anonymously through our formspring page. We will feature our favorites here on the blog.

Q. What is the proper etiquette for when you awaken next to a person whilst still in a drunken haze from the night before and can’t remember their name?

A. I often forget people’s names even when I am not drunk. This is a great question.

First of all does it really matter? Do you care? Are you going to see them again? If you just want it to be a one night stand then I wouldn’t worry too much about it. But if you are interested in going there again here are some tips.

• If you are at their place and you wake up first, look around and see if you can find any clues for their name. You can do a visual scan of the room from the bed or wherever you have ended up. I really hope they don’t have any cheesy signs in their room with their name on it but it would solve the problem.
• If you think you can get up without waking them go into the bathroom and see if there are any prescriptions in the medicine cabinet. If you see a name that sounds familiar that could be it. But if you can get confirmation that is key. Checking the bathroom is best as you can do this with the door closed and probably won’t get caught and look creepy. Hopefully they won’t have any roommates as that complicates the process.
• If you can find some mail this is also helpful as it could help confirm their name and the address of where you are, if you don’t know where you ended up.
• You can also check their phone/smartphone and look for emails or texts that should have a name located somewhere. If they catch you looking at their phone you could always say that you were just putting your number in to save them the trouble. If it’s already there you could say you are a little drunk and forgot that it was already there. This would work if you were at your own home as well.
• If you are at your place and they are already awake you could check your phone to see if there are any new additions in the contacts. If not then you could hand them your phone and ask them to put the number in.
• If they make you put their number in you could quickly google it in quotes and you might find their name.
• You could ask if they have a card, although it would be last resort after you’ve done the deed. Formality kind of goes out the window at that point.
• Ask them if they are on twitter. Some people use their name as their twitter handle. If you have a smart phone you could check it out quickly and usually find their name in the bio section. Or you could hop on your computer, sign into your twitter and follow them.
• If all else fails BE HONEST. Sometimes you just have to fess up. Chances are if you are drunk and in bed with someone you’ve only just met they are probably drunk too and may not remember your name either. Tell them you are really sorry but you got super drunk last night and you remember the amazing time you had but for some reason their name has fallen into the black hole of your hangover. Tell them your name and ask them for theirs and laugh it off. It is just something that happens at times.

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Until the all powerful Google or iPhone can come up with an app that combines credit card statements, Facebook status posts and deleted photos on an SD card, we’ll have to rely on hearsay and good detective work to figure out how we cracked out and blacked out last night. Luckily, AskMen.com has put together a useful compilation of all the things to take note of to determine where your night went. Here are a few highlights:

Begin with a simple question: Where are you? Bed? Girlfriend’s bed? Mystery bed? Mystery hammock? Don’t panic if you don’t recognize the surroundings. Take stock of what you are wearing. That may lend some clues. If you’re wearing all of your clothes, that’s good. At least no public nudity charges have been filed. Swim trunks? That means you were lucid enough to swim. Naked? That could go either way. Check your clothes for stains — food, grease or blood. Check for smells. Is that cigarette smoke or gasoline? If your clothes are ripped or chewed, you may have gotten in a fight or scaled a fence into a junkyard with guard dogs.

Immediately check your MySpace, Twitter and Facebook to see if you need to delete any comments your drunk mind thought up. Sometimes you can get to them before the recipients do. If YouPorn.com is your last website visited, you didn’t get lucky (unless you count being with yourself “lucky”). Your internet history will also tell you if you did any drunk online shopping, drunk e-mailing, online chatting, blogging or e-stalking of ex-girlfriends.

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