How Mommy and Daddy Teach Abstinence.
This post should be more aptly named “How to Ensure Your Progeny Doesn’t Procreate.” It comes from one of my favorite blogs Drinking Diaries:
1. Start drinking early in the afternoon on Christmas Eve. Come out of the bedroom in a Santa Claus bikini at midnight. After you pass out, forget Santa. Send the kids back into their rooms until noon and tell them Santa was hung over. Laugh. When the kids beg you to stop, tell them to grow up.
4. Nuzzle a waitress’ boobs, even after your friend, the owner of the place, asks you to stop, until your wife and kids get up and walk home. Six miles.
6. Talk about how much you drank on vacation the way other people talk about vacation.
7. When your son asks what you’re going to do tonight , say, “I’m going to drink. And you’re going to stay home.”
10. Show up at eighth grade graduation, drunk. Show up at high school graduation drunk. Explain that you can’t make it to college graduation.
12. When one of the kids is seventeen and gets drunk for the first of three times in her life, throwing up until she’s weak and sobbing, tell her not to worry – everyone feels this way.
13. Be beautiful and charming and funny and complex and inquisitive when you’re sober. Be diminishing, surly, humiliating and cruel when you’re drunk.
Leave a Reply