Here are some of the better TFLN from the past few days. Don’t worry, not only are they are all crackoutblackout approved but also approved by drunk grandma:

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We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.

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I’ve got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.

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Just had to explain my “wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me” key chain to my grandma…she took it surprisingly well.

This is Beer Can Chicken. Yes, it is exactly how it sounds. And looks. Delish, right? It’s a beer can shoved up the nether regions of a chicken carcass. YUM. Here’s what to do:

1. You want to cut the top of the can off the beer can. This maximizes the flow of moisture from the beer to the bird. Most any can opener can be used to cut the top off a beer can. Works great. You will need to get rid of half the beer from the can some how. I leave that up to you. Next add 1/2 cup of your spice rub to the can and give it a quick stir. The can is now ready.

2. Take the other half of your spice rub and apply it to the chicken. Don’t worry too much about getting it on the skin. Skin won’t let flavor reach the meat so you need to work your spice rub in, under the skin as much as possible. Get it inside the chicken as well.

3. Place the beer can on the grill right where you want the bird to be.

4. Put the chicken onto it’s throne.

5. And as Mortal Kombat would say: FINISH HIM.

via the world’s best ever and about.com

I am going to a hockey game so i needed some pre hockey game beers, so I stop at the pub by my house and grab a 6 pack.

We get to our seats with about 5 minutes left in the 1st period. I sit down and next to me there is a kid about 10 yrs old with a tube coming out of his nose…..This scares me as I am the most belligerent drunk that I know, and I don’t want to yell something and have this kid break down and die of a heart attack. So the first intermission comes, and I go out to get a beer and have a smoke.

So I am now feeling pretty good after about 6 beers and it was safe to say that I was well on my way to being drunk. So out in the smoke pit I see a big commotion and 10 security guards running that way, me being a sucker for entertainment followed. This guy apperently took a shot at one of the security guards so 10 of them wresteled him down in the biggest puddle they could find and while wrestling him down they bumped into me and spilled half my beer. This made me angry. So I decided they might as well finish it so I dumped the rest of all over the 5 or 6 guys that were on the ground. This made me feel a little better. Watching this guy on the ground covered in beer with 4 officers on top of him while people watching are screaming “Rodney King, Rodney King!” was highlight #1 of the night.

So after this we go back to our seats, and I tell my friend to take my seat so I don’t scare the kid with the tube up his nose. So the game goes on and the beer goes quick. Ryan Kessler gets the puck and I yell out “Your not worth 1.9!” as that is what he is getting paid this year and the guy in front of me tells me to shut up as he is trying to watch the hockey game. I tell him to shove it. This, my friends, is what is called foreshadowing: I get pissed off at him as I am at a a hockey game and I can be as loud as I want. So as the game goes on I get louder and louder and closer and closer to this guys ear. He is visibly annoyed. More hockey and a lot more beer pass and this guy has had it with my antics. He stands up and I really forgot what he said but after he said it I pushed him over his little railing and he fell on the people in front of him. I almost burst out crying I was laughing so hard! Highlight #2 of the night. The lady next to me was also in tears as she seen the whole thing and thought this guy had it coming. I don’t remember the score but it was a good time. My head really hurt the next morning but not nearly as much as the other guy. At least that’s what I like to think.

~submitted by Wasted Willy

In light of an article detailing how people who drink more alcohol will exercise more, I thought this video would help to prove that fact. Well, sort of. Be forewarned…easy on the sauce when a treadmill set on high is involved.

Q: You worked for a season selling Christmas trees on a lot. Tell me about it.

A: The lot turns into mud in no time. It’s just dreary and nasty. You start drinking. I was on the lot with this guy named Brendan who was straight from Ireland. He was a big drinker but also a real charmer. He would go straight to drinking whiskey—he wouldn’t even start with beer.

Q: How did the drinking start?

A: Brendan drank from the first day. For me it was usually around 3 or 4 o’clock. I started just doing shots of his whiskey with a little peppermint. But right down the street was the best liquor store you can imagine…

I remember one day I started drinking at 10 o’clock in the morning and by the time evening hit I’d had a fifth and I wasn’t even slurring my words. People are delighted and you’re much more pleasant. I mean you don’t shave and we weren’t showering every day…

Q: So why did you drink? Because of the people or the cold or?

A: I think it was more the mental state. It was just such a shitty place to be. We probably drank 300 bucks of liquor and they didn’t pay for food so we probably didn’t net much money from the whole experience.

I do remember one time there was a really nice guy in a Mercedes who got a 10- or 12-foot tree and asked us to deliver it to his house. He had like this three million dollar house, decorated to the max with Christmas lights and decorations. We set up his tree and he gave us each a double shot of Crown Royal whiskey as a tip.

We’d stack [the trees], cut the base off, tie them to the top of a car.

One guy came back to get another tree—I guess it came off the top of his car. He was going 60 miles an hour down the freeway and it blew off and almost hit the car behind him, and then a car ran over it. So he picked it up and brought it back and we gave him a new one.

I was already nervous so I drank the first drink and ordered another right away. Band Dude texted me and said they weren’t going on until 11:30 so we went to Pianos for margaritas. I was on drink number 4 and feeling pretty good so we decided to head to Brooklyn.

We were still a little early so we walked around and I realized I had a big joint in my purse Finally high and completely drunk we went to the Annex to hear band dude play. I had a beer and bought my friends drinks. After their awesome set was over we went outside.

The band was in their “we’ve got candy kidnapper van” and Band Dude invited me in. It was really hot in there and everyone was drinking warm PBR. I was sitting in the back and then I realized I didn’t know where my purse or sweater was. Luckily my phone was in my pocket so I texted one of my friends asking if she had it. It seemed like an eternity until she replied that she didn’t have it. I finished my beer and realized my purse was sitting right next to me.

It was really hot so I got out and found my friends. The friend I texted said “Dude, you’re wearing your sweater!” I decided it was time to go home if I couldn’t even tell if I was wearing my clothes or not. Band Dude escorted me in a cab. I was so drunk I didn’t even think to invite him over.

I had only moved to New York a week before. I couldn’t turn on the light because one roommates wall was made of glass blocks. Still not familiar with the layout of the apartment and drunk I stumbled around. I knocked into the bookshelf and my roommates super expensive glass blown vase started to fall off. Somehow I managed to catch it before it smashed and put it back. I made it to my room and immediately disrobed.

The next thing I knew it was 5:45 AM and I was facedown on the couch completely naked with no idea how I got there. Thank God my new roommates were still asleep. I wanted to get to know them better but this was a little too familiar.

- Submitted by Drunken Debbie

Image via Flickr astroboy_71

1. Start drinking early in the afternoon on Christmas Eve. Come out of the bedroom in a Santa Claus bikini at midnight. After you pass out, forget Santa. Send the kids back into their rooms until noon and tell them Santa was hung over. Laugh. When the kids beg you to stop, tell them to grow up.

4. Nuzzle a waitress’ boobs, even after your friend, the owner of the place, asks you to stop, until your wife and kids get up and walk home. Six miles.

6. Talk about how much you drank on vacation the way other people talk about vacation.

7. When your son asks what you’re going to do tonight , say, “I’m going to drink. And you’re going to stay home.”

10. Show up at eighth grade graduation, drunk. Show up at high school graduation drunk. Explain that you can’t make it to college graduation.

12. When one of the kids is seventeen and gets drunk for the first of three times in her life, throwing up until she’s weak and sobbing, tell her not to worry – everyone feels this way.

13. Be beautiful and charming and funny and complex and inquisitive when you’re sober. Be diminishing, surly, humiliating and cruel when you’re drunk.

It was my best friends bachelorette party and I was the maid of honor. I had helped plan it for months.

But it was also the weekend of Oktoberfest, so like the good drunks we decide to go have some beers before the activities start that night. After a few (OK, maybe more like 5 or 6) very large and very good beers we head over to the party.

The bride, my date Karen and I are all dancing together while drinking more drinks on the dance floor. It got pretty rowdy pretty quickly. I began to feel woozy so Karen and I decided to sit down. I believe I blacked out because I don’t remember anything after that. When I woke up, I was laying down on the floor with my arm over Karen and drool on my mouth. The bride told me I had been passed out for about 6 hours in that same position. Good thing she woke me up, otherwise I would have completely slept through the ceremony the next day. It’s also a good thing no one wrote any obscenities on my forehead. That would have really ruined her wedding.

~submitted by Drunken Debbie